The old and the New

I gave up the experiment at the two month mark, for a multitude of reasons. First and foremost being that some days I just want the extra boost that makeup gives me. Second, that I no longer do it for any other reason than myself - it's not for a guy, it's not for other women, its for me. And that is a wonderful feeling. I think it was always the main goal of the project - to reach this frame of mind. That said, I don't wear makeup every day, and I wouldn't want to start doing that again because I like feeling normal and okay without makeup. It won't become a hassle as it once was, it will remain something fun, experimental. 

I miss writing, so I've decided to make this a forum for my thoughts and random things that interest me... and of course, the larger questions of life and existence that have plagued me lately.

2.15

Rachel Hurd-Wood is gorgeous. And though she is not makeup-less, i like how minimal it is.

Today I got hired for a bartending position.

and i am shocked. because I wore no makeup to the interview.

i very honestly, truly believed that there was no way anyone would hire me when i was not wearing makeup / looking my best. Even now I have come up with excuses for why I was hired when I was wearing no makeup. But I have to stop myself. Because there's no point. The bottom line is - I am worthy of being hired with or without makeup. I am enough. Myself. Unembellished. 

This did a lot for my perception of myself without makeup. This confirmed that I do not need makeup. I feel more content with my bare face now.

Today is Love your body day! For some feel good news check out the following:

Go to 

http://www.dove.us/#/features/videos/default.aspx[cp-documentid=7049560]/

check this out

http://loveyourbody.nowfoundation.org/presentations/SexStereotypesBeauty/index.html

2.13

"He began to have a dim feeling that, to attain his place in the world, he must be himself, and not another."

            -W.E.B DuBois

2.12 Call me sentimental

For as many relationships as I've had, there were only 2 times in my life when a kiss felt like the impossible merging of dream and reality, when every nerve is on edge, every intake and exhale of air felt like the space of minutes, when the taste of touching lips was the affirmation of a requited love... or as near to it as perhaps I have ever been, because at that moment all your illusions are still intact. But as intimate as a kiss can feel, it marks the beginning of a relationship and that is unfamiliar and new territory; it is the farthest thing from intimacy. It is naked discovery. 

2.9

In Virginia Woolf's novel Night and Day, the character Katharine is preoccupied often with thoughts of spending time on mathematics and astronomy rather than on finding a husband. She yearns for "that other part of life where thought constructs a destiny which is independent of human beings." For whatever reason, this line resonated with me today.

Have we forgotten our true nature? We are, after all, simply organisms living on this planet. We don't have the scope to view the ends of the universe and beyond, we have more questions than we have answers to. We satisfy our state of ignorance by telling ourselves we live for love. So much of our daily lives is so disconnected from the earth and what we really are. I don't see how the life I lead is really living. The only part that feels organic is the will to learn. But beyond that... I cannot help questioning what value drinking, watching tv, surfing the internet, reading magazines, listening to music so loud I can't hear anyone speak, dancing at the bar, watching football, all these things.... it all seems so empty, these otiose activities we devise for ourselves. It feels like I'm killing time until I die.

It makes me want to disappear off the map for a while, pack a backpack and start traveling. Living off whatever means I find. Sleeping under the stars. Eating for fuel and sustenance. Seeing all there is. It seems to me all that is truly important. I want to know every corner of this earth. I want to make it my own. I want to understand that which I am born of, that which I will return to. 

Sometimes I want to shun society completely. I may find loneliness but I may find what is beyond it... 

2.8

Crystal Renn is stunningly beautiful. She makes me believe that it doesn't matter what size you are, even "plus-size" can be gorgeous.

Now that my initial phase of facial dysmorphia (heh) has passed, I am able to look at my own behavior with a bit more clarity. I no longer feel like a boy, or unfeminine, or even ugly. I feel like myself. However that is not to say I am without points of weakness. Today I experienced one. When I am around someone I like, for example a guy in my english class that I'll admit I have a bit of a crush on, I cannot help but wish I could wear makeup. I'd like to be looking to my best advantage so as to possibly make him interested. But, if he cannot be interested in me without makeup, then is he really worth having? It seems so easy and obvious when I'm not near him, but all that gets muddled when I'm sitting next to him and just hoping that my conversation isn't sounding silly or stupid or that there's nothing in my teeth, and wishing for some mascara. Another point of weakness is when I'm looking at women's magazines, as I've mentioned before. They make makeup seem oh so necessary. And so glamorous. And so enviable. The last point of weakness is simply when I'm having one of those days when I look in the mirror and I'm just not satisfied. Nothing has changed, just my point of view. When I start critiquing myself too harshly. 

Luckily all these things pass. And I meant what I said yesterday. I am thinking seriously about only saving makeup for special occasions. I don't feel that I need it on a daily basis anymore. It's just a waste of time and effort and money. And my skin has been a lot better lately, which I have a sneaking suspicion is a result of not putting concealer and foundation on regularly. Ironic really, that something I used to use to make my skin looker better, clearer, actually contributed to making it less so... 

The only thing I haven't yet overcome that still irks me is this sense of feeling unfinished when I walk out the door in the morning. I may feel satisfied with my hair and my outfit, but it's like there's something missing, something incomplete about my face. I suppose its the remnants of an habitual action.

2.7

I've been toying with the idea of never wearing makeup on a regular daily basis ever again.